gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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