dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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