Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
