ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
