I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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