Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
