But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
