she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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