clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
