No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
