Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
