I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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