Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
