Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
