hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
