How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
