Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
