Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
