Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
