glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
