just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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