so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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