just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
