I accidentally had phone sex last night
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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