Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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