His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
