I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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