I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
