VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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