you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
porn star boner night. come get it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
