I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
