I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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