oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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