So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
