1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
