So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Randomize
