no, he came in my armpit
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
did you just send me my own nude
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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