'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
