Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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