I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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