My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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