PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
