you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
