i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i will never coherently bang her
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
