I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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