He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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