Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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