I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
