I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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