I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
