im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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