So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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