Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Pants are for mortals
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
